Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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