i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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