I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My hand turned me down
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
