I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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