You made me cry and you don't even care
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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