The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
