Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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