Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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