I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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