How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
