I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
