i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
