I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
