Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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