sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
