remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
