omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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