Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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