So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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