I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
