So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
