Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
