what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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