Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
