i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
