I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
