he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
