thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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