dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
