It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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