So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
