Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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