Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Shame - the story of my life.
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