My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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