Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
