I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
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New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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