"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
