I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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