do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
