Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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