I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
