When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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