dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
