His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
