he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
