i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
