you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
