when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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