why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
