you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
