I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
