I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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