Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
