yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
