david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
