Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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