i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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